Feeling Down

'm sorry I haven't posted in a long while. I've had a hard month, and just couldn't put into words how I felt.

I don't think I'm going to be able to get the surgery. It's a long story, and I just don't feel like writing about it right now. I have been so depressed over it. I've been trying to just really restrict my calories, but I can't do any diet for more than a day or two, as usual. I try so hard, but then I either get really hungry at the end of the day, or the stress of the day just builds up to where I can't stand it anymore, and I don't care about dieting. I just feel really miserable right now. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I don't even care about being skinny, I just want to look normal. You know, not have my stomach sticking way out past my chest, and not having a huge apron of fat hanging off my stomach.

If I were rich, I would forget about dieting. I would get a personal trainer and work my way into a good workout routine, eat healthier, and try to slowly reduce the amount of food I ate. I would have a major tummy tuck and some lipo done on my stomach, hips, and double chin. Then I think I could be satisfied enough with the way I look. It think it would even help me stay motivated so I could lose a few more pounds.

One thing I have decided to do for sure, is NOT GAIN any more weight. I got up to 253, my new all-time, non-pregnant high. Great. I'm down below 250 now, wavering up and down. I have resolved that I will NOT go over 250 again. If I had done that back when I weighed 200, I wouldn't be so miserable now. I didn't like being 200, but at least I could find clothes that fit. So from now on, when I see my weight getting to 249, I will be very careful what I eat until I lose a few pounds. I'll just have to weigh myself religiously.

Thank you to those who have posted comments in support of me. I really appreciate it, especially from those who are going through the same thing, and understand how I feel.