It's Official!

Yes, blessing # five is on the way! I tested positive last night. I'm kind of surprised. I usually don't test positive until I'm two weeks late. Although I'm not sure when the date of my last period was (poor recordkeeping, lol) I didn't think I would test positive til around next Tuesday or Wednesday. I still don't feel pregnant, really. I guess I'm tired, but not overly so. Going to bed at an insane hour lately is probably responsible for that. I also had been feeling like I just could not do the diet anymore. Which I guess could be my body's way of saying "stop dieting, you're pregnant, you dummy!"

Anyway, I shouldn't be surprised, since I unfortunately stopped breastfeeding at five months postpartum. I should be more surprised it took so long to get pregnant! But God knows when I'm ready, which is why we trust God with the size of our family. I had a year between the last two pregnancies, and felt ready when I got pregnant. I feel that I'll be ready for another baby when this baby comes, but I wasn't quite feeling ready to be pregnant yet, lol! I don't at all mind the first trimester. It's the third that I hate...it's been getting harder each time. But I shouldn't complain, because my pregnancies are relatively easy. God has been very good to me. He's probably making up for the fact that, due to circumstances beyond my control, all my births have been cesareans.

This does explain why, since I've gone off the diet, I have gained back HALF the weight I lost in a week or so!!! I need to really watch what I eat. If I eat properly in my first trimester, I usually actually lose a bit of weight. Then I stabilize in the second trimester, and gain in the third (partly because I get tired of "watching" what I eat). This time I plan to try the Weston A. Price diet or the Blue Ribbon Baby diet. I've read good things about both. I want to eat really healthy this time. I still plan to reduce my carbs (I think Americans eat WAY too many) but in a healthy way. Most of my carbs will come from fruits and vegetables, and homemade organic whole wheat bread. I have GOT to eliminate the "white stuff" this time...refined carbs, like sugar and white flour. I want to get a grinder so I can grind my own wheat berries as needed. Whole wheat begins to lose nutrients within hours of grinding it.

I hope everyone has had a good Advent!

God bless.

Temporarily off diet

I'm going off the diet for a little while. I think I might be pregnant, and this diet isn't suitable for pregnant or nursing women, as it is very very low carb. I don't feel pregnant, and my husband says I don't look pregnant (he says he can tell), but I am definitely very "late", and I haven't been nursing for at least four months, so it's likely. But usally I "feel" pregnant, so I wonder if this could be a pregnancy that won't continue. This happened once before, and the pregnancy ended after only a few weeks. Well, we'll see. I'll keep you updated.

Visit from the WHOOSH fairy!

Yes! I had a "whoosh" of weight loss overnight. I'm now 242.6 ! Not bad!

I've been feeling a little down lately, worried that I'm not losing fast. But that's really just a day-to-day feeling I get if I haven't lost for a day or two. Looking over my extrapounds and fitday stats, I am really doing fine. I've lost 17.4 pounds in just over four weeks, which is about 4.35 pounds per week. I'd be losing 5 pounds a week, which is my goal, if I hadn't cheated those two days, I'm sure.

But the real test is how I look, and I am definitely seeing a difference. My husband says I look smaller and feel smaller when he puts his arms around my waist. This is definitely the easiest diet I've ever done. It still takes work, but it's not at all hard.

Mind you, all this weight lost is without exercise...I've only exercised one day the whole time. I really should exercise--I'd lose faster. It would help me get to my goal of 230 by New Year's a lot quicker.

Onward and downward!

Still losing...

Sorry I haven't been posting. I've been doing a lot of reading on an interesting subject that I may end up sharing, I'm not sure.

Anyway, the diet is going well. I am down to 245.2 pounds. I think I really need to cut back on my calories so I can make my New Year's goal. Fifteen pounds to go, not bad! I can do it.

I'll update when I can.

An "ah ha!" Moment

Hello, my name is slim_dreams, and I'm a carbaholic. I think I've known I had a carb addiction for some time now, but only recently have I understood how bad this addiction really is.

On Saturday, as you know, I cheated on the diet. On Sunday, I was able to get back on the diet, although I was starting to feel the effects of the cheat. Monday, under a lot of stress and feeling the full effects of the cheat, I gave in and cheated again. And that's when I knew.

I ate three chewy granola bars, 1/2 a batch of jello instant pudding (sugar free, but made with milk, and the powder alone was 16 carbs), and a pita spread with hummus. I realized as I ate that I was eating fast, eager to get the next carby bite in my mouth. While I ate, I felt relief to finally be able to quell the cravings. But as soon as I was done, I was so disappointed in myself. I was kicking myself...no way will I make my New Year's goal of 230 now, I thought.

I decided to "sleep it off" and take a nap, hoping to avoid any more temptation or deal with more cravings. My husband watched the kids while I slept for three hours. When I awoke, I was STARVING, and felt groggy and felt almost "hungover", for a good hour. I was cranky, impatient, teary, and depressed. I hated myself for what I had done. I realize now that I have felt this way every day for the last two years. There is no doubt that my depression has been diet-related. I knew I had been feeling better on the diet, but only after I lost those good feelings did I truly understand how the carbs had taken control of my life.

I felt really down and hated myself. I know now that this is the diet for me. I NEED this diet. But I was afraid that I'd never get past the cravings and into ketosis again. My husband comforted me and helped me think clearly. For us, it's not just a physical thing, but a spiritual one as well. As he said, the Devil doesn't want me to be thin, or happy, or healthy. He wants me miserable, desperate, and out of control. He wants me to be a slave to my cravings. I believe this is true. Since I have become overweight, I have been incredibly self-centered, thinking only of myself and my food, and what I want. On the diet, I was in control, happy, and thinking more about the needs of others.

All this has made me appreciate how important it is for me to be on this diet, and lose the weight. On the diet, I feel so free. It was amazing how little I thought of food, and how I finally felt in control of my mind and body. I really miss that feeling now, and I want it back.

I know it will be hard getting back on the wagon, but I am determined to do it. I know I will be on "autopilot" once ketosis hits, and I just have to stay strong until then. It will only be another day or so. Even if I never lost another pound on Kimkins, I would still stay on the diet, if only for the sake of my health...and sanity!

I think I will post this on my fridge:

WARNING: CARBS CAN BE VERY DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH. EXCESSIVE INTAKE OF CARBS WILL RESULT IN LETHARGY, FATIGUE, DEPRESSION, TEARFULNESS, NEGATIVE THOUGHTS, SELFISHNESS, WEIGHT GAIN, MOOD SWINGS, IMPATIENCE, DIABETES, AND AN OVERALL DECLINE IN PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH. DO NOT INGEST.

The lesson here...DON'T CHEAT !!! It's a bad idea on any diet, but on this diet it is definitely NOT worth it. I can't wait til I am in ketosis and happy again!

Success Story: Vanessa

One of my favorite success stories over at Kimmer's website is Vanessa's. She is a mom of four who lost 107 pounds in five months. She did the really hard core version of Kimkins, just because she wanted the weight loss over and done with. Not sure I can do that myself, but I think that doing regular Kimkins or Kimmer's Experiment, I could definitely be down to a normal weight within six months, possibly even to goal.

But really at my size, just getting down to 160 will be a thrill. I figure at that weight I should be able to get into a size 16, which would be awesome. To shop in the "regular people" section, and have so much to choose from, and to be able to buy right off the rack! Wow. That would be a dream for me.

Kimmer has success stories of all types on her site, from a girl who lost 15 pounds to a woman who lost 213. I love success stories, they are so inspiring!

Confession Time

Okay my friends, the time has come for a confession. I did it. I cheated on the diet. My husband thought I had cheated when I hadn't, and I was upset, and it happened to be a day when I was feeling very tempted. So I cheated. For the longer, more boring version of the day's events, you can check my public Fitday journal.

The funny thing is, I didn't enjoy my cheating that much. I had a burger, four brownie cookies, and a gourmet candy bar. The burger wasn't that good, and only the first few bites of the candy bar and cookies were good. I just ate the rest out of spite. (I know, how dumb!) I just found the candy and cookies too sweet and WAY too rich. I thought I'd never say that--I LOVE chocolate! But it was just too much. Funny how quickly our tastes can change, even without our realizing it.

I think I was more tempted to cheat this time because I had been trying to do Kimmer's boot camp, which is a stricter version of Kimkins. Unfortunately I also chose today to start exercising, and boy did I ever work out hard! Probably not a good idea to start both on the same day. I was starving! No wonder I caved under the stress. I should have started exercising first, then slowly worked my way into Kimmer's bootcamp.

Even though I fell off the wagon, there were obviously still some effects of the Kimkins diet in my system. I still couldn't eat all that much, even though it was a carb-filled "meal". And as I said, it was all too rich for my taste. Also, although I was hungrier than usual this morning, I wasn't as hungry as I used to be back when I was eating all carbs. I do find myself feeling a lot more tempted today. Thoughts of cookies and candy are haunting me. But I expected that, and I am prepared for it. I allowed myself to eat more than normal today, and to eat cheese and bacon when I wanted to, transitioning into Kimkins again. But most of the food was on-plan.

I am definitely not beating myself up. I have a lot to be proud for, and ironically the decision to cheat wasn't made in an overly-emotional manner. I struggled with the temptation for a long time before I finally just decided to cheat and get it out of my system. Not the best choice, but I had my reasons. Hopefully I won't gain too much, and maybe it will give me a little kick-start in my weight loss again.

Now I know that cheating is definitely not worth it. It wasn't all that enjoyable, and it cost me in my weight loss. So now as I am haunted by the "ghosts of cookies past" I can tell myself "hey, it won't taste nearly as good as you think, so it's not worth it." I even passed on the temptation to buy "low carb" chocolates today, so I am staying strong. I'm in this for the long haul.

This diet is too easy to give up on. I don't want to go back to food controlling me. I don't want to waste my family's money on junk that's just eventually going to kill me. I don't want the hunger and the cravings to come back. I like that I don't think about food all of the time.

So now I just need to deal with a day or so of cravings, and then stay on the Kimkins plan. Because this time, failure is not an option. This time, I have hope. I know I can do this.

Kimkins

EDIT: I have since learned things about Kimkins that are a cause for concern. I leave it up to the readers to research both sides of the issue and make your own decisions. DO NOT SPAM ME OR MY BLOG regarding Kimkins...get your own website, and praise or trash Kimkins to your heart's content. You have no right to hijack blogs that do not belong to you. Even if I loved Kimkins and thought it was the best thing ever, it is my blog and it would be my right to do so, regardless of the opinions of others.

For those who have been asking about the diet I am on, you can learn more at the Kimkins website. Kimmer has been putting up new success stories, some of which are ladies who have lost a lot of weight very quickly. If you are looking for fast weight loss, or can't stand being hungry all the time on all the other diets you have tried, you should check it out.

I've tried them all...at least all the diets I could afford. But really, aren't they all pretty much the same? Low calorie, low fat, and nearly impossible to do? I know that some people succeed, but unless they've kept the weight off for a minimum of two years, I'm not too impressed. And for those who have done it, I think that's great. But there are a lot of people out there like me, who can't last two days on those type of diets...who feel deprived, depressed, and discouraged every time they try and fail.

Maybe this diet isn't for everyone. But if you need to lose weight fast, especially if you're easily discouraged, and you want to feel better and not starve while you do it, this is the diet for you. I'm amazed at how little I am eating. I was really getting to the point that I was a compulsive eater. Maybe that's not even being honest. I probably WAS a compulsive eater. I was using food to "medicate" myself. Food was my drug. I thought I would never get control of it. For the first time ever, I am eating to live instead of living to eat. I never knew what that felt like before now.

Now, I've only been on the diet for a little over two weeks. I lost eleven pounds in about a week and a half. I'm retaining water now, so I'm hovering around 249 these last few days. I expect to get a "whoosh" of weight loss once I get past this week. I would like to lose weight a little faster, so I'm going to try Kimmer's "boot camp" which is a little stricter, so I can reach my next mini-goal of 230 by New Year's Eve.

For the first time, that seems possible. For the first time, I'm not fighting constant cravings or feeling like I need to stuff myself to feel "happy"...but never really feeling happy. Now I actually AM happy. Before this I was always depressed. Now I'm not, and that's a miracle in itself. It goes to show you how many physical and mental ailments are tied to nutrition. I was killing myself with refined carbs, especially sugar.

The best thing about this diet is that by joining Kimmer's website, you not only get the information about the diet and peer support, you also get direct access to Kimmer. It seems like she's always on the forums, answering questions, and every time I've emailed her, I've gotten a very quick response. She has been through this herself and lost 200 pounds, and kept it off, so she knows what I'm going through and is very kind and helpful. The photos above are Kimmer's before and after pictures from her website. Don't you just want to look like her "after"?!

I guess I sound a little Kimkins-happy. Well, I am! I can't help it, I feel like making up a bumper sticker for the website, or something, lol. The shame of it is, so many people will pass this diet by thinking it's another "fad" diet. In my opinion, mainstream medical and nutrition "experts" and the media automatically label a diet as a "fad" whenever it is anything but a low-calorie, low-fat diet. Statistics have shown those diets to be failures, but no one is willing to admit it. They are like the Wizard of Oz yelling "don't look at the man behind the curtain". Why do doctors say it's okay to lose weight fast with gastric bypass surgery, but not with a diet that makes you feel good and leaves you feeling satisfied? Things that make you go "hmmmm"...

Anyway, that's my experience so far. If you try Kimkins, let me know how you do. I'm so interested to watch other people's progress on this diet. That's why I go to the site all the time. I love the site and the people...so nice! Definitely worth it. I wish I'd joined sooner.

In the 240's!

Yesterday I got down to 249! I'm very happy. I went back up to 250.4 today, but no worries. I know that's totally normal, and going up and down is fine as long as the overall trend is down, which it definitely is.

It's a little bit harder now. I still have a lot of hunger control, but I HAVE to remember to eat. It's hard because there's no convenience foods on this diet. I really need to set time aside to make up a bunch of on-plan meals and freeze them in portioned containers. THEN it will be easy. If I let myself get too hungry, I do start having temptations. But I know it would NOT be worth it to cheat. I've lost too much already to have a set-back now!

My next goal, as you can see by my tracker at the bottom, is to get down to 230 by New Year's Eve...although I'd really love 225 by Christmas Eve ;-) . But I'm trying to be practical. 226 was the lowest I got on Atkins two years ago, so that will be a "magic number" for me.

For some reason, I've had hot chocolate on my mind. I guess it's the season. I keep seeing people carrying around hot coffee. I don't drink coffee, so it reminds me of hot chocolate. Maybe I can come up with a low carb solution. The replacement for milk is the tough part. All recipes either call for milk or powdered milk. Hmmmm....

Daily Updates

For those of you who want more frequent updates on my diet, I have been keeping up better on my other weight loss blog, by the same name, on the extrapounds.com website: Out of Control .

It has a weight tracker built into each post (I can't seem to get it working here) as well as a graph chart showing my weight loss over a period of time.

You can also view my public Fitday page to see what I'm eating every day. Just click on the link in the sidebar.

Day 6 - 252

It's been almost a week Kimmer's experiment. Actually, I did Kimkins for the last two days, but I'm finding it too much work figuring carbs and staying under the limit, so I think I'm going back on KE today.

So far I'm down a total of 8 pounds. That's pretty good. I was kind of hoping for ten by tomorrow, but eight is good. I'm definitely in ketosis, and making progress. I've had a little more hunger the last couple of days, but not at all bad...the main problem is remembering to eat, and not being too lazy to cook and eat when I first get hungry. You never want to let yourself get TOO hungry with any diet.

My calorie intake has ranged from 750 to 1200. It's mostly around 1180. It's on the high end when I do KE, and on the lower end when I've had a busy day or I'm on Kimkins. On KE my carbs are around 8 per day (full carb count, no net carbs) and right about the limit of 20 on Kimkins days. Without the net carbs, you realize even lettuce and broccoli add quite a bit of carbs...no wonder the original Atkins diet limited your salads and veggies so much on induction.

Today I'm having a REALLY bad day with the kids. For a little while I was really tempted to just eat. Not overwhelmingly, but I was tempted. Normally a day like this would kill any diet, because I just wouldn't care anymore. Sadly, food calms me down. You can't cry and eat ice cream at the same time! Well, you could, but that would get messy and it would be a waste of ice cream, lol. So I'm here blogging instead, then I'm taking a nap while the kids nap.

I had a lot of energy at first, even though I wasn't getting enough sleep. Yesterday and today though, I am tired. I haven't been taking vitamins, which is important, so that might be why. I'm going to buy new vitamins today. I ordered the old Atkins book and I'm hoping it comes in the mail today so I can get more info on the diet. Kimmer's info is very basic, and I think reading the Dr. Atkins Diet Revolution (a.k.a. DADR) will help.

One thing I'm loving to eat is egg drop soup. I make it with an organic free range chicken broth, made with no sugars. You just boil a cup, then drizzle a well-beaten egg into it slowly, then eat. The egg cooks instantly. I do add a few spices--organic stuff tends to be blander than I like it. It's really good, easy, and comforting. Plus drinking warm liquids makes you feel fuller.

The diet is really working for me so far, and since I joined the kimkins.com website, it makes it easier. I really hope I keep losing the way Kimmer did.

Eggs, Eggs, and more Eggs!

You eat a lot of eggs on the initial part of this diet. You're allowed eggs, meat, and seafood, and just enough fat to cook what you need. I was worried about the cost of meat. But then I realized what people were saying was true...you're just not as hungry on this diet, so you don't eat very much.

My calories so far have ranged from 700-1200. I expect it will stay closer to 700 as my stomach gets used to eating less. The use of mayonnaise really bumps it up. And while you don't have to be overly concerned about your calories on this diet, you do need to watch your fats. If you start slipping and add too much mayo or cheese, you won't lose as fast.

Eggs are less expensive, and easy to eat on the run, too. Just hard boil a bunch, peel, and keep them in the fridge in a ziploc baggie. If you're on your way out the door, grab a couple, slice in half, salt and pepper them, and put in a baggie. Easy to eat in the car. Or, they can be ready for deviled eggs, egg salad, or other recipes.

Here is a link with some great egg recipes: American Egg Board
Keep in mind that their recipes are often not Kimkins-friendly, if you want to follow my diet. But often you can tweak it, replacing milk or half & half with cream + water, reducing or eliminating the cheese, etc. There are also great recipes on MeatandEggersforLife (see sidebar) and the people there are really nice, so they could help you with recipe conversions.

It cracks me up (get it, ha ha) to hear people who are deathly afraid of eggs due to cholesterol. There is so much misinformation out there. Do you know how many people lowered their cholesterol levels on Atkins? A lot. And the diet I'm doing is lower in fat than Atkins anyway. Egg cholesterol is good for you. What is bad for you and your cholesterol levels is the other junk you put in your body...transfats, chemicals, and hundreds of carbs everyday (mostly bad carbs).

I like eggs so this WOE isn't hard for me. Trying to cook steaks properly is, though. Not the greatest cook, and steaks is something I just can't seem to master. Okay, forget master, I can't even keep them from getting tough, lol.

An egg a day keeps the fat away! (Well, three or so is better.)

Day 4...slight gain

Today is Day 4 on Kimmer's Experiment. Yesterday I ate 1/2 a fried egg and about 4 ounces of steak, both leftovers, for breakfast. Snack was 2 boiled eggs. Lunch was chicken breast cooked in homemade buffalo wing sauce and a ramekin partly filled with seafood quiche. That was GOOD, so I had it again for dinner! My calories were a little higher, around 1168 I think. My fat was around 58% of my calories, in keeping with Kimkins, and my carbs were at 8. You're really not supposed to count carbs on the Experiment because the only carbs you're getting are from eggs, really. But tell that to Fitday, lol. I like to see what I'm eating anyway.

My weight was up .8 pound today, at 254. That's okay though. I can't expect to lose two pounds every day! In fact, if I'm done losing water weight, then I expect to only lose anywhere from a half a pound to a pound a day.

I'm not worried about the slight gain. That's how it goes. In fact, when I was on Atkins, I kept records, and looking back at them, there was a lot of up and down, but the overall trend was always downwards. One day I had gained five pounds, but two days later, I lost nine overnight! The body works in strange ways. I know I read an explanation of this in the Atkins book, but I don't remember it now. I lost my Atkins book! :-(

I also haven't had a BM (bowel movement) yet today. Sorry if that's too much information, lol! That's what you get on a diet blog, though. I'm usually extremely regular 1-3 times a day, which is the way it's supposed to be, regardless of what doctors say (too many people nowadays are constipated, so it's now considered normal to be "backed up"). But now it's 1 or less. Kimmer recommends taking milk thistle herbal supplements for anyone who is backed up--it sometimes happens on the Kimmer Experiment. I'm not sure if it happens on regular Kimkins or not. Milk thistle is supposed to help keep you regular, and that's a lot better than using laxatives, even the herbal kind. By the way, if you need an herbal laxative, I've heard Senna tea works well.

Anyway, the weight gain doesn't bother me. It's nothing compared to the six pounds I've lost so far. I started Atkins Induction less than a week ago, on Wednesday, November 8, 2006, at 260 pounds. Then I switched to Kimkins, starting with the Kimmer's 3 Day Experiment, on Friday, November 11, but I had already gone down to 257.4 on that day. Then I was 255.2 on Saturday and 253.2 on Sunday. So being 254 today is no big deal.

I think I may extend the 3 Day Experiment to 5 days or maybe 7. I cheated a tiny bit last night and added a little bit of shredded cheese to the Individual Seafood Quiche Cups I made. They were soooo good. The recipe is on the Meat and Eggers website (see sidebar for link) in the egg section. I tweaked it a little, used only shrimp, and used water and heavy cream instead of half and half. I also used different spices.

One thing I've found is that if I eat steak and hard boiled eggs, I have almost no appetite. But if I have something lighter, like chicken and quiche, I feel like I can eat more of it, and seem to get hungry quicker. But overall my appetite is extremely diminished. For the first time, I know what it feels like to eat to live rather than live to eat. It's an amazing feeling. My emotional eating was becoming almost compulsive the last few months, and the scales showed it. I actually have total control of my eating at this moment. Thanks be to God--it surely feels like a miracle to me!

Happy News!

I have started a new diet, and I think I'm really going to like this one. It's called Kimkins. It's a lower fat version of the old Atkins, with no Frankenfoods. It starts out with Kimmer's Experiment, very similar to the Stillman's diet: all meat, seafood and eggs, nothing else. Except just enough NEEDED fats to cook, if you feel you need them. I use a tiny bit of mayo for deviled eggs, a bit of butter for cooking, and a tablespoon of cream for a couple of scrambled eggs. They say it will kill your hunger and put you into ketosis. You do KE for 3-5 days, then do regular Kimkins.

On this diet, you use no artificial sweeteners, except for diet sodas if you need them. Everything should be natural foods, and you should choose lean meat like chicken or leaner cuts of steak. Minimize fats...just what you need to make your menu work. The diet should keep you from being hungry, but if you're hungry, eat. Your diet should end up being very low calorie once the hunger is killed. Last night I had 6 ounces of fish and two scrambled eggs, and I actually was satisfied. I wasn't hungry til noon today. And........

I lost almost five pounds in three days! Whoo hoo!

I started at 260, and I'm down to 255.2. The scale is my friend now. And I am feeling SOOO happy.

The best part is that this is a quick weight loss diet. You can expect to lose 4-7 pounds a week, if you're faithful. That sounds like a lot, and I know somepeople will criticize (but not here on my blog, please)but if you think about it, it's much better than weight loss surgery. Gastric bypass patients are told it is safe for them to lose up to 1 pound per day. But they take on the risks of surgery, permanent reconstruction of their anatomy, and the inability to absorb much of the vitamins and nutrients from their food. There is non of that on this diet. Kimmer, its creator, lost 200 pounds and kept it off for a couple of years now. She lost 160 in SEVEN MONTHS, then 20 more in three months, then the last twenty over a couple of years. She went from 318 to 118. Her website is www.kimkins.com.

She does charge $40 for a lifetime membership to the site now. But if you google "kimkins" you'll come up with a lot of low carb forums where she previously posted advice, and where her followers still post today. I haven't joined her site. I'm doing the diet for a couple of weeks first, then if I like it, I'll join. Everyone says it's very helpful to have access to her and her forum, and if the diet works it would be worth it.

I am feeling SO happy right now. For the first time, I can actually picture myself thinner in six months! My goal is to lose as much as I can before I get pregnant, then if I do, I'll switch to Atkins maintenance. I'm really hoping I can get down to 200 before I get pregnant again. That would be AWESOME! Then I can easily wait til after the pregnancy to lose the rest.

WOW! I just realized if I get down to 200 I might be able to fit into store-bought maternity clothes. Cool!!

Never Ask a Woman When She's Due....

I didn't have a very good weekend, ego-wise. My husband wanted me to spend a little money on myself, so I decided to get my hair and nails done. I thought that would make me feel better about myself and make him happy. While at the hair dressers, not only was I the fattest one there, and had to watch all the skinny girls walk by non-stop, but I also had to look in the mirror at myself for the whole haircut. Anyone who is fat knows how that feels...you DON'T look at yourself in the mirror, except for a very short time when you do you hair and makeup. I had to look for a half hour at my fat face, and I swear, it seemed to get fatter by the minute.

I tried looking down, but I foolishly had told the girl I wanted to learn how to style my hair, so she kept asking "can you see what I'm doing? See how I'm using the brush this way?" I felt like telling her I just couldn't look in the mirror anymore, but that would have been even more humiliating.

There was a time when I was content with how I looked. I never thought I was beautiful, but I thought I was pretty when I fixed myself up. I didn't have a big chest, but I had a decent figure and I was a really good dancer. (I used to love country dancing). I could see the good things about myself with a pretty realistic eye. Now I really hate everything I see. The only good thing I can see about myself is that if I lost weight and had a really good hairstylist and makeup artist to teach me, I could fix myself up and look pretty darn good. If...always if. If I could lose the weight, if I could win the lottery, if.

I just feel like I'm going in a downward spiral of self-loathing, and it is eating me up, because I know I can't function as a good wife and mother this way. In my head, I know that I need to find a way to love myself, but it feels so impossible right now.

Anyway, enough of the pity party, back to the story. After getting my hair and nails done, I bought new shoes to show off my toes. The saleslady helping me seemed pretty nice, til she asked the question every fat woman dreads..."When are you due?"

Now in fairness to her, I was wearing a top that DID make me look pregnant. I was pregnant when I bought it, and though it is not a maternity top, it is cut in a way that is good for pregnancy. However, that is a mistake that NO woman should make. Men, okay, they are clueless. But women should know better. You don't assume a woman is pregnant unless she tells you, or you see the baby crowning! Sheesh! Because even women who are not morbidly obese can look a little pregnant after giving birth, and that is the LAST thing a postpartum woman wants to hear.

I was super nice about it, and told her I did have a baby recently and the top I was wearing did make me look pregnant. Then the moron goes on to ask "oh, how long ago did you have it?" At that point I was irritated, because I felt that, based on her tone of voice, she was saying thinking that I looked way to big to have had a baby very long ago. Then I had to admit that it's been a while, five months. She didn't even seem apologetic. I was humiliated. I should have made a comment or given her a nasty stare-down, but I didn't. I was trying to be nice, but in the end I ended up being the apologetic one, like I was apologizing for being fat and making her ask a dumb question!

Just another example of how this weight has changed who I am so much. I don't think I should have been mean, but if I had any self-esteem left, I would have handled it differently. She should have apologized, especially since I was a customer. The worst thing is, that is the second time in the last few weeks I have had someone ask me when I was due.

It really has come to the point where I don't want to leave the house anymore. Everywhere I go, I have to see these anorexic waifs that are glorified today, I have to wonder if people are laughing at me, I am petrified if I am shopping that someone is assessing what is in my cart, I go through a drive-thru for my husband and I, I am afraid they will think it's all for me. I can't even eat out and enjoy it, because I don't know what to order. If I order a salad, everyone will take one look at me and say "yeah right, she'll hit a McDonald's on the way home, who does she think she's fooling" and if I order something fattening, they'll think "try a salad, you cow."

Sometimes I feel like my life is on hold, like I am waiting for something to happen, to change things, because I can't face the idea that this is my life. I just feel so defeated. I would give anything to spend one day in the body of a thin woman, so I can remember what it feels like to LIVE, to walk around not caring--not even THINKING --about what others think when they look at me, to look in the mirror and smile, to play and run with my kids, to dance with my husband. Oh, to dance again! I really miss dancing. I think if I lost even 75 pounds, I could probably dance again. If I could at least do that, maybe I would find myself again.

Feeling Down

'm sorry I haven't posted in a long while. I've had a hard month, and just couldn't put into words how I felt.

I don't think I'm going to be able to get the surgery. It's a long story, and I just don't feel like writing about it right now. I have been so depressed over it. I've been trying to just really restrict my calories, but I can't do any diet for more than a day or two, as usual. I try so hard, but then I either get really hungry at the end of the day, or the stress of the day just builds up to where I can't stand it anymore, and I don't care about dieting. I just feel really miserable right now. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I don't even care about being skinny, I just want to look normal. You know, not have my stomach sticking way out past my chest, and not having a huge apron of fat hanging off my stomach.

If I were rich, I would forget about dieting. I would get a personal trainer and work my way into a good workout routine, eat healthier, and try to slowly reduce the amount of food I ate. I would have a major tummy tuck and some lipo done on my stomach, hips, and double chin. Then I think I could be satisfied enough with the way I look. It think it would even help me stay motivated so I could lose a few more pounds.

One thing I have decided to do for sure, is NOT GAIN any more weight. I got up to 253, my new all-time, non-pregnant high. Great. I'm down below 250 now, wavering up and down. I have resolved that I will NOT go over 250 again. If I had done that back when I weighed 200, I wouldn't be so miserable now. I didn't like being 200, but at least I could find clothes that fit. So from now on, when I see my weight getting to 249, I will be very careful what I eat until I lose a few pounds. I'll just have to weigh myself religiously.

Thank you to those who have posted comments in support of me. I really appreciate it, especially from those who are going through the same thing, and understand how I feel.

Disappointment

It's looking like I won't be able to get surgery. There are a lot of complications with the insurance process. I don't really want to get into it right now. I'm pretty disappointed. I just don't know what to do. I can't live my life this way. I am so tired of looking and feeling twenty years older than my age. My health is just going to get worse. I feel like my life is in a holding pattern. I'm just sitting here, waiting for it to get better, because I don't know what else to do. Don't worry, I'm not as depressed as this sounds. I'm just really down and frustrated. I guess I need to pray.

Introduction to....Me! :-)

I decided to start a new blog so the readers of my homemaking blog don't get bored with my "whining" about my weight. Of course, usually it's the skinny people who think you're whining!

Growing up I was always thin. I started to gain a few pounds a year in high school and this continued through college. But it wasn't until after I left Army basic training due to an injury that it started to come on more rapidly. I developed an "addction" to soda, which got worse when I moved to a state with super-cheap soda at convenience stores. Two years and sixty pounds later, I was over two hundred pounds, and couldn't get a date. I happened to meet my husband, who is slightly overweight but very handsome (who'd have thought I'd get so lucky) and we married. I had four children back to back, all of whom were worth the weight I gained...but now I'm 250 and miserable.

I've tried many diets, and of course, lost hardly any weight, the few pounds I lost came right back and brought a few of their "friends" with them! Atkins was the only think that worked reasonably well. I lost 25 pounds. But I was so depressed and cranky from the lack of carbs, it wasn't worth it. Some people get that way on Atkins. Quite a few, in fact. It's a well-known side-effect. Although I felt better after going off Atkins, much of the depression remained, for over a year. It was very difficult.

Now I am wanting to get Lap-Band surgery (adjustable gastric banding). There are risks with it, but they are much less severe and less common than the long term side effects and risks of gastric bypass. I have researched it THOROUGHLY over the last TWO YEARS, so please NO flaming me with warnings, advice, or tsk-tsking about my choice. There isn't anything you can tell me I haven't already heard about. I've talked with people who have had serious consequences to all types of weight loss surgery (WLS), and I'm very well informed, probably more so than 95% of people who seek WLS. I've created this as the one place I can go to pour my heart out. I understand that other people have had success with one weight loss program or another, and that's great. But telling me how it worked for you and I should try it...well to me, no matter how well-intentioned, that makes you just another skinny person telling me what a failure I am.

I really need a support network in my attempts to lose weight. Someone may feel like they are supporting me by giving me advice, warnings, etc. But if your advice is not supporting the weight loss choices I am making now, then in reality you are just undermining my attempts. You might as well be buying me a pint of Ben & Jerry's. In fact, I'd rather have the Ben & Jerry's, because if I'm going to be sabotaged, I'd rather at least have the five minutes of pleasure BEFORE I start feeling bad about myself! (Mmmmm...Ben & Jerry's...just kidding) I applaud anyone else's weight loss, but everyone is different, and what works for one person may not for another.

So I welcome anyone to read my blog, but if you can't keep your comments supportive and positive, please keep them to yourselves. I hope you understand.