An "ah ha!" Moment

Hello, my name is slim_dreams, and I'm a carbaholic. I think I've known I had a carb addiction for some time now, but only recently have I understood how bad this addiction really is.

On Saturday, as you know, I cheated on the diet. On Sunday, I was able to get back on the diet, although I was starting to feel the effects of the cheat. Monday, under a lot of stress and feeling the full effects of the cheat, I gave in and cheated again. And that's when I knew.

I ate three chewy granola bars, 1/2 a batch of jello instant pudding (sugar free, but made with milk, and the powder alone was 16 carbs), and a pita spread with hummus. I realized as I ate that I was eating fast, eager to get the next carby bite in my mouth. While I ate, I felt relief to finally be able to quell the cravings. But as soon as I was done, I was so disappointed in myself. I was kicking myself...no way will I make my New Year's goal of 230 now, I thought.

I decided to "sleep it off" and take a nap, hoping to avoid any more temptation or deal with more cravings. My husband watched the kids while I slept for three hours. When I awoke, I was STARVING, and felt groggy and felt almost "hungover", for a good hour. I was cranky, impatient, teary, and depressed. I hated myself for what I had done. I realize now that I have felt this way every day for the last two years. There is no doubt that my depression has been diet-related. I knew I had been feeling better on the diet, but only after I lost those good feelings did I truly understand how the carbs had taken control of my life.

I felt really down and hated myself. I know now that this is the diet for me. I NEED this diet. But I was afraid that I'd never get past the cravings and into ketosis again. My husband comforted me and helped me think clearly. For us, it's not just a physical thing, but a spiritual one as well. As he said, the Devil doesn't want me to be thin, or happy, or healthy. He wants me miserable, desperate, and out of control. He wants me to be a slave to my cravings. I believe this is true. Since I have become overweight, I have been incredibly self-centered, thinking only of myself and my food, and what I want. On the diet, I was in control, happy, and thinking more about the needs of others.

All this has made me appreciate how important it is for me to be on this diet, and lose the weight. On the diet, I feel so free. It was amazing how little I thought of food, and how I finally felt in control of my mind and body. I really miss that feeling now, and I want it back.

I know it will be hard getting back on the wagon, but I am determined to do it. I know I will be on "autopilot" once ketosis hits, and I just have to stay strong until then. It will only be another day or so. Even if I never lost another pound on Kimkins, I would still stay on the diet, if only for the sake of my health...and sanity!

I think I will post this on my fridge:

WARNING: CARBS CAN BE VERY DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH. EXCESSIVE INTAKE OF CARBS WILL RESULT IN LETHARGY, FATIGUE, DEPRESSION, TEARFULNESS, NEGATIVE THOUGHTS, SELFISHNESS, WEIGHT GAIN, MOOD SWINGS, IMPATIENCE, DIABETES, AND AN OVERALL DECLINE IN PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH. DO NOT INGEST.

The lesson here...DON'T CHEAT !!! It's a bad idea on any diet, but on this diet it is definitely NOT worth it. I can't wait til I am in ketosis and happy again!