Never Ask a Woman When She's Due....

I didn't have a very good weekend, ego-wise. My husband wanted me to spend a little money on myself, so I decided to get my hair and nails done. I thought that would make me feel better about myself and make him happy. While at the hair dressers, not only was I the fattest one there, and had to watch all the skinny girls walk by non-stop, but I also had to look in the mirror at myself for the whole haircut. Anyone who is fat knows how that feels...you DON'T look at yourself in the mirror, except for a very short time when you do you hair and makeup. I had to look for a half hour at my fat face, and I swear, it seemed to get fatter by the minute.

I tried looking down, but I foolishly had told the girl I wanted to learn how to style my hair, so she kept asking "can you see what I'm doing? See how I'm using the brush this way?" I felt like telling her I just couldn't look in the mirror anymore, but that would have been even more humiliating.

There was a time when I was content with how I looked. I never thought I was beautiful, but I thought I was pretty when I fixed myself up. I didn't have a big chest, but I had a decent figure and I was a really good dancer. (I used to love country dancing). I could see the good things about myself with a pretty realistic eye. Now I really hate everything I see. The only good thing I can see about myself is that if I lost weight and had a really good hairstylist and makeup artist to teach me, I could fix myself up and look pretty darn good. If...always if. If I could lose the weight, if I could win the lottery, if.

I just feel like I'm going in a downward spiral of self-loathing, and it is eating me up, because I know I can't function as a good wife and mother this way. In my head, I know that I need to find a way to love myself, but it feels so impossible right now.

Anyway, enough of the pity party, back to the story. After getting my hair and nails done, I bought new shoes to show off my toes. The saleslady helping me seemed pretty nice, til she asked the question every fat woman dreads..."When are you due?"

Now in fairness to her, I was wearing a top that DID make me look pregnant. I was pregnant when I bought it, and though it is not a maternity top, it is cut in a way that is good for pregnancy. However, that is a mistake that NO woman should make. Men, okay, they are clueless. But women should know better. You don't assume a woman is pregnant unless she tells you, or you see the baby crowning! Sheesh! Because even women who are not morbidly obese can look a little pregnant after giving birth, and that is the LAST thing a postpartum woman wants to hear.

I was super nice about it, and told her I did have a baby recently and the top I was wearing did make me look pregnant. Then the moron goes on to ask "oh, how long ago did you have it?" At that point I was irritated, because I felt that, based on her tone of voice, she was saying thinking that I looked way to big to have had a baby very long ago. Then I had to admit that it's been a while, five months. She didn't even seem apologetic. I was humiliated. I should have made a comment or given her a nasty stare-down, but I didn't. I was trying to be nice, but in the end I ended up being the apologetic one, like I was apologizing for being fat and making her ask a dumb question!

Just another example of how this weight has changed who I am so much. I don't think I should have been mean, but if I had any self-esteem left, I would have handled it differently. She should have apologized, especially since I was a customer. The worst thing is, that is the second time in the last few weeks I have had someone ask me when I was due.

It really has come to the point where I don't want to leave the house anymore. Everywhere I go, I have to see these anorexic waifs that are glorified today, I have to wonder if people are laughing at me, I am petrified if I am shopping that someone is assessing what is in my cart, I go through a drive-thru for my husband and I, I am afraid they will think it's all for me. I can't even eat out and enjoy it, because I don't know what to order. If I order a salad, everyone will take one look at me and say "yeah right, she'll hit a McDonald's on the way home, who does she think she's fooling" and if I order something fattening, they'll think "try a salad, you cow."

Sometimes I feel like my life is on hold, like I am waiting for something to happen, to change things, because I can't face the idea that this is my life. I just feel so defeated. I would give anything to spend one day in the body of a thin woman, so I can remember what it feels like to LIVE, to walk around not caring--not even THINKING --about what others think when they look at me, to look in the mirror and smile, to play and run with my kids, to dance with my husband. Oh, to dance again! I really miss dancing. I think if I lost even 75 pounds, I could probably dance again. If I could at least do that, maybe I would find myself again.

Feeling Down

'm sorry I haven't posted in a long while. I've had a hard month, and just couldn't put into words how I felt.

I don't think I'm going to be able to get the surgery. It's a long story, and I just don't feel like writing about it right now. I have been so depressed over it. I've been trying to just really restrict my calories, but I can't do any diet for more than a day or two, as usual. I try so hard, but then I either get really hungry at the end of the day, or the stress of the day just builds up to where I can't stand it anymore, and I don't care about dieting. I just feel really miserable right now. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I don't even care about being skinny, I just want to look normal. You know, not have my stomach sticking way out past my chest, and not having a huge apron of fat hanging off my stomach.

If I were rich, I would forget about dieting. I would get a personal trainer and work my way into a good workout routine, eat healthier, and try to slowly reduce the amount of food I ate. I would have a major tummy tuck and some lipo done on my stomach, hips, and double chin. Then I think I could be satisfied enough with the way I look. It think it would even help me stay motivated so I could lose a few more pounds.

One thing I have decided to do for sure, is NOT GAIN any more weight. I got up to 253, my new all-time, non-pregnant high. Great. I'm down below 250 now, wavering up and down. I have resolved that I will NOT go over 250 again. If I had done that back when I weighed 200, I wouldn't be so miserable now. I didn't like being 200, but at least I could find clothes that fit. So from now on, when I see my weight getting to 249, I will be very careful what I eat until I lose a few pounds. I'll just have to weigh myself religiously.

Thank you to those who have posted comments in support of me. I really appreciate it, especially from those who are going through the same thing, and understand how I feel.

Disappointment

It's looking like I won't be able to get surgery. There are a lot of complications with the insurance process. I don't really want to get into it right now. I'm pretty disappointed. I just don't know what to do. I can't live my life this way. I am so tired of looking and feeling twenty years older than my age. My health is just going to get worse. I feel like my life is in a holding pattern. I'm just sitting here, waiting for it to get better, because I don't know what else to do. Don't worry, I'm not as depressed as this sounds. I'm just really down and frustrated. I guess I need to pray.

Introduction to....Me! :-)

I decided to start a new blog so the readers of my homemaking blog don't get bored with my "whining" about my weight. Of course, usually it's the skinny people who think you're whining!

Growing up I was always thin. I started to gain a few pounds a year in high school and this continued through college. But it wasn't until after I left Army basic training due to an injury that it started to come on more rapidly. I developed an "addction" to soda, which got worse when I moved to a state with super-cheap soda at convenience stores. Two years and sixty pounds later, I was over two hundred pounds, and couldn't get a date. I happened to meet my husband, who is slightly overweight but very handsome (who'd have thought I'd get so lucky) and we married. I had four children back to back, all of whom were worth the weight I gained...but now I'm 250 and miserable.

I've tried many diets, and of course, lost hardly any weight, the few pounds I lost came right back and brought a few of their "friends" with them! Atkins was the only think that worked reasonably well. I lost 25 pounds. But I was so depressed and cranky from the lack of carbs, it wasn't worth it. Some people get that way on Atkins. Quite a few, in fact. It's a well-known side-effect. Although I felt better after going off Atkins, much of the depression remained, for over a year. It was very difficult.

Now I am wanting to get Lap-Band surgery (adjustable gastric banding). There are risks with it, but they are much less severe and less common than the long term side effects and risks of gastric bypass. I have researched it THOROUGHLY over the last TWO YEARS, so please NO flaming me with warnings, advice, or tsk-tsking about my choice. There isn't anything you can tell me I haven't already heard about. I've talked with people who have had serious consequences to all types of weight loss surgery (WLS), and I'm very well informed, probably more so than 95% of people who seek WLS. I've created this as the one place I can go to pour my heart out. I understand that other people have had success with one weight loss program or another, and that's great. But telling me how it worked for you and I should try it...well to me, no matter how well-intentioned, that makes you just another skinny person telling me what a failure I am.

I really need a support network in my attempts to lose weight. Someone may feel like they are supporting me by giving me advice, warnings, etc. But if your advice is not supporting the weight loss choices I am making now, then in reality you are just undermining my attempts. You might as well be buying me a pint of Ben & Jerry's. In fact, I'd rather have the Ben & Jerry's, because if I'm going to be sabotaged, I'd rather at least have the five minutes of pleasure BEFORE I start feeling bad about myself! (Mmmmm...Ben & Jerry's...just kidding) I applaud anyone else's weight loss, but everyone is different, and what works for one person may not for another.

So I welcome anyone to read my blog, but if you can't keep your comments supportive and positive, please keep them to yourselves. I hope you understand.